If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize