I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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