Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
