Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize