A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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