mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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