When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize