Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
