everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
is it fun? or sober?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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