Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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