she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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