Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
