I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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