yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
