She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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