something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
