I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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