hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
