____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
