This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
