mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
