I faked an abortion last night.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
