she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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