i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
