I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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