you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize