Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
