why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
