thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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