Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
