Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
