my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
