Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
