I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
