I am puke
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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