youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
