bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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