The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
