I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
