Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
