I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
