Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Panties = found
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