A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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