my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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