My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
