Don't make out with my wife yet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
