i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
