Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
