Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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