dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
