me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
