Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
