spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
