after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
