some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
