i think my mom watched the whole time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
