...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize