Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
