literally had 100 drinks last night.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
