I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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