Tell her she can't have a vagina
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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