a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
